


Hints

by Torri012



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, Feelings, Humor, Jealousy, Misunderstandings, Not Actually Unrequited Love, POV First Person, post-Fairhaven
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:35:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26022037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Torri012/pseuds/Torri012
Summary: Recently we have argued. A lot. Over nothing. Over everything. Whatever I do, whatever I say - I’m in the wrong and I don’t know why.
Relationships: Chakotay & Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 49
Kudos: 127





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU to [Trekflower](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrekFlower/pseuds/Trekflower) and [Bizarra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bizarra/) for the Beta read <3

Recently we have argued. A lot. Over nothing. Over everything. Whatever I do, whatever I say - I’m in the wrong and I don’t know why. This morning didn’t seem bad at first, but then I came across her on my way to the mess hall.

“So, what do you think?” she wanted to know as she came closer to me.

“About what?” I replied not knowing what she was talking about. She gave me a nudge with her elbow, smiled and then tucked a strand of hair behind her ear while flashing those beautiful blue eyes through dark lashes at me. I had to swallow. She looked somewhat different today, but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was that was different. Maybe it was her flirty playfulness that made her look so beautiful, but then again, to me she always does.

“Oh, don’t tease me, Chakotay!”

What had she been talking about?

I assumed she could see my confusion as her smile faded and her facial features turned more serious. I didn’t know how to respond, so I kept quiet. It wasn’t long before her expression turned bitter as we walked to the mess hall in total silence. I really had no idea what she meant or what was different today, so rather than to say something wrong, saying nothing at all was probably best. What a mistake.

I could feel the tension building between us, but I was afraid of agitating her any more than I apparently already had, so I decided to continue to remain quiet. By the time we parted ways in the mess hall her bitter face had turned sour. I was sent off with one of her famous death glares and a short and firm “Commander!”

Her smile was friendly enough when she walked up to B’Elanna, who greeted her with a cheerful “Good morning, Captain!” as well as some random remarks on lipstick and eyeshadow. Kathryn’s mood instantly shifted and she became more cheery. Perhaps the day on the bridge wouldn’t be as bad as I feared five minutes ago.

***

The morning passed reasonably well. Kathryn’s temper improved gradually and by the time lunchtime came round she was in a chatty mood again. She was back to her flirty self and I enjoyed the small smiles she gave me. She leaned towards me in her command chair and she said, “You know, I have two hours booked on the holodeck tonight.”

She paused, glanced at the PADD in her hands, before those blue eyes of hers gave me another intense look. “I was thinking about a quiet summer evening by the sea near Fairhaven. I replicated myself a new summer dress and I’m in the mood for some relaxing downtime.”

She had recently acquired a photonic boyfriend called Michael Sullivan and she enjoyed telling me about him in great detail. Internally I rolled my eyes, preparing myself for another one of her lengthy talks about Sullivan. I hated that guy. I hated her spending time with him. I hated hearing about him. I hated thinking about him. Heck, I even started to dislike Mike Ayala simply because he shared the same first name with that guy.

The corner of her mouth curled into a smile. “Care to join me?”

‘No!’ I thought. But I couldn’t just tell her that, so I tried to find a good excuse instead. It wasn’t the first time she asked me to share her holodeck time, undoubtedly to introduce _Michael_ to me, but so far I had managed to avoid having to spend time with him. I met him once for a brief moment and that had been enough. The way she had looked at him, the way she had touched him, the way she had blushed in his presence had made me want to strangle him. I knew he wasn’t real, but still, I hated him.

Unconsciously I tugged on my earlobe as I invented something about helping some of the former Maquis in Cargo Bay 2. I gave her an apologetic smile, hoping that she bought my rather lame excuse.

She licked her lip, then bit it, nodded and turned away from me, sinking back into her chair. She fixed her gaze on the PADD, so I assumed she believed me. We sat on the bridge for another half an hour before I noticed her posture had stiffened. She was chewing on the inside of her bottom lip and when she noticed I was watching her, she got up and retreated to her ready room.

Whatever report she had read on the PADD, obviously brought her bad mood back and I signed heavily. Her mood swings were really bad lately.

***

When I entered her quarters I had to gasp.

Her summer dress was rather… daring.

Okay, _daring_ didn’t quite cover it. It was revealing, even for today’s standard, so I seriously wondered what she was up to during her holodeck time. If _Michael_ weren’t a hologram she could program to her liking, he would surely die if he saw her in this flimsy piece of cloth. It looked like a negligee with a busy floral pattern, revealing her entire neck and arms, most of her legs and a shocking amount of cleavage.

The way her breasts swayed when she walked left little doubt that she wasn’t wearing a bra underneath. I tried to avert my gaze as best as possible, staring at pretty much everything in the room but her. I know that what I’d glimpsed already would fuel my dreams and fantasies for the next several months, if not years, but she didn’t need to know that. All I could do was pretend I didn’t care or notice.

“These are the reports I want you to take a look at, Chakotay.”

She handed me two PADDs. I’m not quite sure why she needed me to pick them up minutes before her relaxing evening with her god damn boyfriend, but then again the Captain’s thoughts weren’t always quite logical to me.

“Do you want me to go over them tonight?”

She waved her hand through the air. “Oh no, they’re nothing important.”

I frowned as I stared at the grey piece of technology in my hand. Then why didn’t she give me theses tomorrow, if they weren’t important!? She rested a hand on my arm, forcing me to look at her.

“Chakotay, I would really like it if you joined me tonight.”

I shook my head, trying with all my might to divert my eyes away from the delicious curve of her breasts. _Michael fucking Sullivan_ was the luckest holoprogram to ever be created. If Kathryn ever came to me dressed like that I’d probably jump her bones within seconds. I didn’t want to think about how he would react when he saw her. She was pretty much serving herself on a silver platter and I would certainly not want to watch her present herself like this to that holographic boyfriend of hers.

“No-…”

I couldn’t breathe. God, that woman would one day be the death of me.

“Chakotay…”, she began in that raspy, yet gentle, voice of hers while stroking my arm and inching closer. I started to feel the throbbing of my pulse in an area that shouldn’t be throbbing in her presence. Her floral perfume started to find its way into my nostrils and worked to cloud my brain.

I needed to get out or she would notice the distress she had put me in.

“If there is nothing else that I can do for you, I’ll leave you to enjoy your holodeck time, Captain!”

I stepped back before turning on my heels and leaving her quarters as fast as I could without looking as if I were running. Her door closed just in time for me to hide the painful bulge in my pants from her view. I simultaneously thanked and cursed God as I walked the short distance to my own quarters. .

***

Kathryn was quiet. She hadn’t spoken to me properly in 3 days, only conversing with when it was absolutely necessary. Usually she told me all about her romantic evening with Michael, but this time she didn’t and I wondered what went wrong the other night to make her so moody. I tried to ask B’Elanna, but her only response was that I should talk to Kathryn myself.

It was obvious she was miffed, but I didn’t know about what or with whom exactly. She appeared fine with the other bridge staff, but short with me. I didn’t do anything wrong though, so I don’t think it was me. I tried to make small talk, but she just kept glaring at her PADD with the utmost concentration. I was pretty sure she heard me, but chose to ignore me.

It isn’t until we were called into one of the science labs that I heard her say anything other than ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to me today. B’Elanna had improved the air capacity on the EVA suits and was talking us through the new specs she had added. Honestly, I only understood half of what she said and the other half I barely heard because I was busy watching Kathryn. The way her lips ever so slightly curled upwards when something was pleasing her was incredibly cute.

I started daydreaming about kissing those lips while brushing my fingers over her cheekbone when I noticed that both women were staring at me with intent. I assumed they had said something that required my response and I felt like an idiot for not paying attention. I guessed they were asking for my thoughts, so I hoped my vague reply would suffice to covering up my zoning-out.

“I will go with whatever the Captain thinks is best…”

I smiled at Kathryn, who had her arms crossed in front of her chest. She looked at me for a moment in silence before turning back to B’Elanna.

“Alright. Get the suit ready. Chakotay will test it now.”

B’Elanna nodded and I wondered what the hell I had just agreed to.

“Once Chakotay is ready to go, comm Tuvok to get a tractor beam on him.”

With wide eyes I looked at her and seriously cursed myself for letting my thoughts wander. We were travelling at Warp 4 by the sounds of the engine and Kathryn was about to space me. I’m starting to feel like perhaps I am the reason she was mad… But what the hell did I do wrong?

“Kathryn…”, I began slowly while shifting my weight from one leg to the other. I really didn’t like this and if there was a way to wiggle myself out of it then I’d better try. This sounded more like a crazy thing Tom Paris would do, not me. Kathryn knew this.

She raised an eyebrow. “Yes, Commander?”

I nervously tugged on my ear. Damn, why hadn’t I paid closer attention earlier?

“I… I think testing the suit is a great idea… but perhaps I’m not suitable for this kind of trial-run.”

Her eyes narrowed and I could tell she didn’t agree. “Why?”

“Well…”, I began, desperately trying to come up with a good reason. My mouth felt dry and my stomach queasy. I really didn’t want to get spaced… at Warp 4… and then dragged around the quadrant with a tractor beam. The cogs in my brain began to turn as fast as they could.

“For one, I’m sure an adrenaline-junkie would love to take this opportunity to get their fix… and I’m your second in command.”

Kathryn pulled her head back a little, frowning. “Are you suggesting you’re _too important_?”

Okay, that might have come out the wrong way, but it was too late now. I smiled and gave her a small nod. I was invaluable to her and she couldn’t risk me like this, could she?

She snorted in response and I blinked in astonishment. Oh boy, this was bad. Really bad. I lifted my hand, as if it was she who I needed to calm down instead of myself, and slowly stepped closer.

“Captain…”

She wouldn’t do this, would she? The serious look on her face made my gut churn. Should I beg?

“Kathryn, please.”

She didn’t budge. Perhaps I should try to beg a little more.

“Kathryn, please, reconsider this…”

She seemed unaffected. I could tell she was on a power trip and I licked my lips nervously. I really didn’t like this. I was expected to beg. She wanted me to. I could tell from the way she looked at me.

“Kathryn, I’m begging you. Let Paris do this suicidal test-run.”

She kept glaring at me.

Okay… she wanted more. Much more.

“I will do whatever you ask me … just please, let me off the hook on this one!”

She raised her eyebrow and I thanked God that it worked.

“You will do anything I ask?” She inquired and I nodded my head. Yes, I would do anything to avoid getting spaced at Warp 4.

“Alright. Watch _‘The Soldier of Risa’_ with me.”

Okay, perhaps getting spaced didn’t sound so bad after all.

 _‘The Soldier of Risa’_ was the worst romantic drivel mankind had ever invented. Sekaya made me sit through it once and I swore to myself I would never ever watch it again. She claimed it was awfully romantic, but all she did was sob for hours while clinging to me like her life depended on it, expecting me to comfort her. They were the worst hours I’d ever spent with my sister and I was not willing to endure that again with Kathryn.

What was an hour being dragged behind Voyager compared to nine and a half hours of star-crossed lovers with cheesy dialog, next to a hysterical woman who would probably cling to me too?

The choice wasn’t exactly a hard one.

Unconsciously I tugged my ear again.

“Come to think of it… testing the EVA suit does kind of sound fun…”

Both women’s mouths fell open. They undoubtedly couldn’t believe someone disliked that space opera. Kathryn blinked a few times before she bit her bottom lip and looked at B’Elanna. They exchanged a look that I didn’t understand. Then an unreadable emotion briefly flickered across Kathryn’s face before she straightened her shoulders and craned her neck. The captain’s mask was back.

“You have your orders, Lt. Torres.”

B’Elanna nodded and with a short “Commander!” Kathryn left the science lab post-haste. Again, an angry expression on her face.

B’Elanna, who had been pretending to fiddle around with one of the EVA suit helmets, shook her head at me before heading to the door to give me some privacy before for my air-locking adventure. Just before she exited the sliding doors she turned to me and gave me a serious look.

“You really don’t get hints, do you, Chakotay?”

I blinked, but before I could respond the doors swished shut behind her and nothing but silence filled the room; the words from her rhetorical question rang in my ears. I was rooted to the floor, now more confused than ever before.

Hints!?

What fucking hints?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta-read by the amazing [Bizarra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bizarra/) <3

My EVA suit adventure ride lasted a staggering 1 minute and 42 seconds before I got so motion sick that I vomited in my suit. Kathryn aborted the test run immediately and had me beamed directly into sickbay where I threw up onto the floor as soon as I managed to get my helmet off. The Doctor, even though he couldn’t smell my vomit, pulled up his nose at me in disgust.

Within seconds Kathryn entered the sickbay with a spare uniform for me. She didn’t apologize for having put me through the ordeal, but the way she was hovering round my biobed and the expression she wore on her face suggested that she was sorry.

“Well, Doctor?” She urged while one of her hands rested on my shoulder and the other brushed through my hair. The EMH frowned, before he held up the little blinking device to my face again. Kathryn tried to smile warmly at me, continuing her caress of my hair, before licking her lips nervously.

“What’s wrong, Doctor?” she inquired again and from the way she shifted her weight from one foot to the other I could tell she was getting agitated. She had never liked being in sickbay, but she was always here when I needed medical attention.

“It seems Commander Chakotay’s little joy ride temporarily messed with his vestibular system. I will give him a hypospray to counter the effects, but he will feel very unwell for the next several hours.”

I felt another wave of nausea run through me and I pressed my eyes shut. I was laying down, but I still felt like I was about to tip over or lose my footing. I barely noticed the cold hypospray pinching my neck.

“Meaning what exactly?” Kathryn’s voice sounded somewhat faint as I tried to ignore the throbbing pain in my head. Usually the hypospray helped instantly, but it didn’t feel like the damn thing was working.

“He will experience nausea, headache, disorientation, loss of balance… nothing overly problematic, but I advise he lays down for the duration of the recovery. You can give him a second hypospray in about 30 minutes if the first wasn’t effective.”

I kept my eyes shut, hoping the nausea would pass before he shooed me off the biobed and out of sickbay. Tonight was poker night and he usually had a few noses and split lips to mend, so I knew he needed the space.

“Make sure he drinks a little bit of water every fifteen to twenty minutes, as it will help his body recover quicker.”

When Kathryn’s hand slid from my hair to my shoulder and the other from shoulder to elbow I knew it was time to go. I almost collapsed as my feet hit the floor. It was only thanks to Kathyn’s grip on me that I didn’t drop to the floor due to a momentary loss of balance.

Kathryn gave me a worried look and I held onto the bed for support. She tapped her combadge and requested a site-to-site transport to Deck 3.

I wasn’t surprised when _her_ quarters shimmered into existence around me. She had thus far insisted I had better lay down on her sofa, so she could keep an eye on me. What did surprise me though was the repeated gag-reflex that came over me. I put my hands on my knees as I bent down to empty more contents of my stomach onto the carpet.

She brushed my back before helping me waddle over to the sofa to lay down. I only vaguely remember watching Kathryn scrub the floor and leave the room to fetch her Padds from the ready room before I drifted off to sleep. I think she cooed over me a few times while I slept, half-waking me to drink a few drops of water through a straw, but I’m not entirely sure. I might have dreamt it. I dream about Kathryn often, so distinguishing what happened in reality and what might have been a dream was sometimes difficult.

When I woke, Kathryn was wandering around the room wrapped only in a towel and I wondered how long I'd slept. I knew that if Kathryn had had a bath during my snooze, I must have been out of it for quite some time. She wasn’t exactly the fastest when it came to her bathing routine.

“Hey!” she greeted when she noticed I was awake. She walked up to me and sat down next to my hip, leaning forward to look at me. Her hand rested on my chest while her eyes searched mine. “How are you feeling, Chakotay?”

“Dizzy” I rasped, but I wasn’t entirely sure if my dizziness was due to getting spaced earlier or because I could see more of her legs than I should. The towel seemed much shorter when she was sitting than when she had been walking. It covered less than half of her thigh and I was sure that if she’d moved one of her legs further to the side, I would’ve had a clear view of… _everything_. She didn’t, of course, but that didn’t stop my mind from racing.

“Here, drink some water” she instructed and bent forward to grab the glass of water that was resting on a small table by my head. I knew she didn’t notice how alluring she looked this naked, but I couldn’t help but stare at the flimsy tuck that held her towel in place. The fabric strained around her breasts as she bent forward and part of me hoped that it would give way and pop open.

She watched me closely as I nibbled on the straw, before I slumped back down into the cushions while letting out a pained huff. I did feel better than earlier in sickbay, but it still wasn’t great.

“Do you want something to eat?”

Her voice was as soft as velvet as she gave me one of her faint lopsided smiles, while her crystal blue eyes gave me a look of adoration and care. She didn’t look at me like this often, but when she did, I felt like I was the only other human in her universe. The pain I felt subsided as I watched the woman before me. Her eyes, her lips, her neck, her freckled collarbone, the mound of breasts that threatened to spill over at every rise and fall of her chest when she breathed. The longer I looked at her, the more I felt my hormones starting to rage as if I were a boy that had just hit puberty. I knew very well she’d never be mine, but a man could fantasize, couldn’t he?

She gave me a little nudge when she noticed me slowly zoning out without replying to her question.

“Hm? Yeah… food… food sounds nice...”

I think she might have noticed my fixation on her breasts because her index finger curled underneath my chin to make me look at her. She smiled, before she patted me carefully on the chest, nodded and got up. I watched the back of her tantalizing legs as she moved over to the replicator, where she pressed a couple of buttons.

“Michael introduced me to this lovely vegetable stew…” she began and I started to feel sick all over again as my lovely daydream about cherishing every inch of her skin vanished. Had she needed to mention him? “...I think you’ll love it.”

I wiggled myself up into a sort of sitting position as she returned with a steaming bowl. She sunk back down onto the sofa next to me and held the bowl and a spoon to my face. I’m not entirely sure if she was going to feed me, but I took the utensils out of her hands and started to take a few mouthfuls of food.

It was pretty good actually, which - given Kathryn’s relationship with the replicator - was a surprise. She watched me as I slowly ate. She didn’t move away from me, so her half-naked proximity soon became very distracting. I tried miserably to concentrate on the food, pretending my pulse hadn’t quickened and my trousers didn’t start to feel tighter. They did and when I couldn’t bear it any longer I desperately tried to make conversation, but my mind was blank. Well, not exactly _blank_ \- it was filled with vivid, very alluring images of Kathryn - but they somewhat robbed me of my ability to think straight.

“So… Michael...”, I began and she raised a questioning eyebrow. I immediately hated myself for not having been able to think of anything better. I played nervously with the spoon by dipping it into the soup over and over again, while trying to decide where to take this conversation. Damn, why did that guy bother me so much? He was just a stupid hologram…

“Chakotay?”, she questioned after a long pause and I struggled to get words out of her mouth. Oh, why did I have to venture into this territory?

“I was just thinking…” I swallowed nervously.

“Yes?”

“Well…”

Ok, this was just ridiculous. I had never before been unable to say what bothered me, so why did it now!? I took a deep breath and gathered all the courage I could muster to speak my mind.

“Kathryn… I think… I think you having a holographic boyfriend is a bad idea…”

She blinked. She obviously hadn’t expected me to say that. Honestly, I hadn’t either. But now it was out and I felt a lot better. Before my courage left me, I continued. “I know you’re the Captain and everything, but if you desire a relationship with a man… wouldn’t it be better to date a real one?”

She bit her lip, before looking down at her hands. They were resting in her lap and she began to knead them.

“Actually… I would like that…very much...” she mumbled.

“Then why don’t you?”

She looked at me like I was supposed to know something. When she noticed I had no clue what she was talking about she began to play with her fingers again.

“Chakotay, Michael was only a tool. I wanted to make y- ... _someone_ … jealous and encourage _him_ to finally make a move on me.”

If my heart jumped at the idea of her wanting to date just seconds ago, then it broke again at her words. Someone? Who the hell was _someone_?

“Who?”

It came out harsher and balder than I had intended, but I needed to know. Who, for Christ’s sake, had she set her cap on? I could feel the adrenaline rush through my body and I tried to keep my nerves in check. What man had managed to catch Kathryn’s fancy?

“Who, Kathryn?” I pushed again as I felt my airways getting tighter. My pulse was at the highest it had ever been as dread and jealousy flooded my system. “Is he someone I know?”

Stupid.

Of course I knew him. We were on a damn ship with only 150 people. I probably knew him better than I cared to. I was starting to feel dizzy, really dizzy.

“Well… he...“, she began to stutter and I could tell she was uncomfortable, yet I didn’t care. I needed to know who it was who was taking Kathryn from me; who dared to shatter every dream I ever had about settling down and starting a family.

“If you can’t say his name, describe him”, I urged and she gave me an uncertain look. Kathryn Janeway was not a woman who generally kept secrets from me and the fact that she fidgeted uncomfortably made it even more unbearable. Why would she act like this? Who the heck was he?

She took a little while to consider it before she nodded in agreement. “Alright… he… he’s… tall… and funny… very handsome… his hair and eyes are dark… and you know him very, _very_ well.”

I could feel my stomach turn. Tall, dark and handsome - the typical cliché women fell for. Great. Just great. How could I ever compete with that?

“Does he know?”

“Yes, I think so. Sometimes he’s incredibly obtuse though.” She gave me an intensive look. She bit her lips before she continued in an almost demanding voice. “I just want him to finally take the initiative. Chakotay.”

God, I hated myself wanting to know. No, for _having_ to know everything about it.

“Sounds to me like he doesn’t know. Perhaps you should be more straightforward with him.”

She looked at me somewhat surprised.

“Chakotay… I’ve tried… so many times…. I’ve given hints...”

Hints. That bloody word again. B’Elanna accused me of not getting her hints either so I couldn’t say I blamed the guy, whoever he was. I dropped the spoon into the soup for good and put the cold bowl onto the small table next to the sofa. I’d lost my appetite a long time ago.

“Kathryn, I think your hints aren’t working…”

She suppressed a grin. “Yes, so I’ve noticed.”

I can’t believe I’m pushing this. Did I enjoy torturing myself?

“Why didn’t you make a direct move on him then?”

She inched a little closer and rested her hands on my chest. “I’m trying to, Chakotay.”

If my mind hadn’t been in such an emotional turmoil I would’ve probably broken out in a sweat given how her body pressed against mine. Her weight leaned against my upper body and one of her fingers began trailing a seam of my uniform jacket.

“You know it’s not going to be easy, right?” She inquired as she watched her finger. “Starfleet will have a fit when they find out about me being involved with a Maquis and a senior bridge officer.”

I felt as if someone was strangling me, cutting off any breathable air while pushing me into the raging fires of hell.

Ayala.

She was talking about Mike Ayala; the only Maquis bridge officer who fit her earlier description.

Oh god, was this how a heart attack felt like?

I took a deep breath, hoping it would stop the heart attack I was sure I felt coming. Or stroke. It could be a stroke too. Or some sort of seizure!? Hell, whatever it was - it had my blood boiling, my head spinning, my nerves raging, my hands cramping into fits, my teeth grinding and my stomach feeling like I was dropped from a very, very high place.

Ayala. Out of all the men aboard this ship, she had picked my best male friend. If this wasn’t going to kill me, I didn’t know what would.

Kathryn, who was totally oblivious of the destruction of my entire internal organs and emotions she had just caused, played calmly with the combadge on my chest. She pouted her lips, thinking of the next thing to say. Then she looked at me through her lashes and wiggled a little closer.

“Tell me, Chakotay: He’s not so blind that he doesn’t notice me if I’m in front of him half-naked, begging for his attention, is he?”

My hands were shaking when I tugged my ear. If my insides hadn’t just died I might have found it funny how she had said something like that while dressed in a flimsy towel. Did she think she was invisible to men? Did she think we wouldn’t notice because she was the captain?

“I’m sure he wouldn’t be, Kathryn. You’re being ridiculous.”, I assured her because I was pretty damn certain that every man on this ship would notice and jump to attention if she wore nothing at all. Ayala certainly would. He had mentioned on more than one occasion that the captain was a _hottie_ and that he would have her, if she wanted him.

Good god, I was doomed. How was I supposed to live with the knowledge of her and Mike. This woman was pushing me to my death faster than night was approaching.

“Am I, Chakotay?”

She gave me a demanding look and I swallowed. She was only inches from my face when the sound of my combadge made us both jump.

_Tuvok to Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay_

As I exhaled I thanked god that for once in his life Tuvok’s interruption came at a convenient time. I wouldn’t have known how to strengthen Kathryn’s confidence without admitting my infatuation with her and sounding like the most jealous and desperate man that ever lived while doing so.

“Chakotay here. What’s the matter, Tuvok?” I responded as I tapped the badge and tried to focus my gaze on the portrait on Kathryn’s wall rather than her.

_We have received a hail from the Kobali. They wish to either communicate with you or the captain urgently._

Kathyn tapped one of her fingers against my hand that forced me to look at her. She gave me an apologetic smile before she nodded, indicating that she would take care of it.

“The captain is on her way. Chakotay out.”

I didn’t know why, but she lingered for a moment, looking at me intently.

“I should get some rest” I mumbled. She clicked her tongue in response before she shook her head slightly at herself, as if she had waited for something that hadn’t happened. She patted my chest twice before she got up and headed to the bedroom to put on her uniform.

After she left I seized the moment and crawled on all fours back to my quarters. My feet weren’t stable enough to carry my weight yet without me falling over, but I couldn't stay in Kathryn’s presence any longer. I loved her, so much more than was healthy, but the fact that she liked Mike Ayala was more than I could bear. I knew she’d be mad at me when she discovered that I was gone, but needed space to think. I needed to digest this. I needed to breathe in a space where I could secretly shed a few tears.

***

I chewed my bottom lip as I watched them. The day on the bridge had been quiet and Mike had stopped Kathryn when she had come out of her ready room. Whatever he had shown her on his console, had made her laugh.

I exhaled before brushing my hand over my lips and leaning somewhat forward in my chair so I could have a better view of them. They didn’t speak loudly, but since the bridge was silent, the rest of us heard every word of the technical jokes he told her. She chuckled at almost all of them while I just gritted my teeth.

He was shamelessly flirting with her and she was flirting back. I could swear he ogled her more than once, but Kathryn didn’t seem to either notice or care. The longer I watched them, the sicker I felt. How could I have been so blind to this? How could I have never noticed the more-than-friendly banter between them before?

She stood way too close to him to be considered normal and I could swear their shoulders brushed every time he leaned forward to speak again. Kathryn glanced up at him and one of her hands wrapped around her stomach while the other sort of covered her mouth while she giggled.

A terrible joke about a leaking warp core, that undoubtedly had a very sexuel innuendo, made her slap his arm playfully. As Mike raised his eyebrow feigning shock, she chuckled before she slightly smacked him again and said “Oh, don’t.”

“Then what is your take on it?”He inquired with a challenging look and Kathryn blushed. “Or is the Captain too shy to share her opinion about such a … _delicate_ … matter!?”

Kathryn wasn’t one to sheer back from a challenge, so the quiet snort that escaped her lips made my stomach turn. She wasn’t seriously going to engage in Mike’s inappropriate innuendo talk, was she?

I was at the edge of my seat, trying with all my might to hold myself back from jumping up and ending this ridiculous display. I had known of Kathryn’s power over me, but never had I imagined that I would feel like this when I saw her with a man she desired. My fingers dug into the armrest so forcefully that they would very soon cramp. My heartbeat was hammering so painfully that I felt like my chest was going to burst any minute. If she responded to his innuendo I was sure I would lose all sense of self control.

“Well, I think that leak could’ve been sealed using the right tools…” She began as she crossed her arms in front of her chest and gave him a wicked lopsided grin.

“Ooookay…” Came from Tom Paris and I turned around to look at the helmsman, who had gotten out of his chair. The air had been sizzling with tension and I was forever grateful that Tom had said something before I could.

”I think I’ll grab some lunch before… this...” He waived his hands through the air. “...gets any weirder.”

For once Tom had a point and leaving the bridge seemed a good idea. I couldn’t watch this shameful flirtation any longer without wanting to take a good swing at Mike.

“I’ll join you, Tom” I choked and I got out of my chair to head to the turbolift with him.

As Kathryn watched us, she put her hand on her hips. She was in a flirty, playful mood which often ended bad for Paris as he had a tendency to overstep the line. She threw Tom a challenging look, but he was wise enough to ignore her and we continued our stride to the turbolift. As the turbolift doors swooshed shut behind me I finally let go of the breath I’d been holding for the last quarter of an hour. This was killing me.

***

“I really don’t understand how Ayala gets away with saying the things he does...” He huffed as he put his plate onto the mess hall table. “If I’d have made such a suggestive joke she’d have transported my ass into the brig straight away.”

I tugged my ear as I eased into the chair opposite him before I stared at my food tray. I wasn’t keen on telling Tom of my heart wrenching misery, but he was one of the biggest gossips aboard Voyager, so if there indeed was something between Kathryn and Mike he’d surely know. I wasn’t really ready to have this discussion, but if I wanted to question their relationship without raising any suspicions this was the best moment.

“Tom, can I ask you for your opinion?”

“Sure.”

I watched him pile his spoon with a large heap of yellow something.

“I was wondering… do you think… the Captain and Mike... are…!?”

“Are what?” He wanted to know before he pushed the unnaturally large mound into his mouth and began chewing. I played with the edges of my tray before I waved my fingers through the air.

“Well… you know…”

Judging by the confused look he gave me he didn’t know.

“What I’m saying is… I think that the Captain might… like Ayala,” I blurted out and Tom dropped his spoon in shock.

“What!?”

“It’s something she said the other day that got me thinking. She said that Michael Sullivan was only meant to make _someone_ jealous. When I asked her who, she wouldn’t say.”

He looked at me with huge eyes, but said nothing.

“I tried to push the subject, but all she said was that he was tall, dark, funny, Maquis, and that he worked on the bridge…”

If I didn’t have Tom’s full attention before, I definitely had it now. He leaned forward, looking at me like I was some kind of prey, while grinning. I knew he had a betting pool going on who was to end up with Kathryn.

“And you think Ayala is the guy?”

I shifted forward in my seat.

“Think about it, Tom. Who else fits that description?”

Tom mused on the subject for a moment before he snapped his fingers as if an idea had struck him.

“You know, I think you might be right.” He gasped as he edged further towards me, leaning over the table. “It would definitely make sense why she kept telling you about all the things she did with Michael in Fair Haven.”

I frowned. “Why?”

He grinned as if he had just figured out a puzzle. “Mike works behind you guys half of the time. He hears everything you two say to each other. If I was to make someone jealous without making it completely obvious, that’s how I would do it.”

I nod absently as I let his theory sink in. His words did make sense.

“And it would account for why he can say pretty bald things to her without her getting mad.” he finished while pointing a finger at me as if it would underline his statement.

I blinked. Tom certainly has a valid point there too. I hadn’t thought about this yet. Shit. I had secretly hoped that he would’ve said I was imagining things. Obviously I wasn’t.

Fuck.

***

“I can’t believe I lost my holodeck time,” Harry grumbled and I grinned at him broadly. I had told him not to bet with me, but he hadn’t listened. Now it was time for him to pay up.

I put one hand on my hip while I leaned against the console, watching B’Elanna give a tool to Harry. The tactical station on the bridge had lately been suffering a few electrical discharges and needed fixing.

“So, what are you going to do with your time?” She wanted to know as she started fiddling with the cables of the unit.

“I bet something fun.” Harry huffed, annoyed, as he threw me a bitter look. I did feel sorry for him a little, but I couldn’t help smiling. My life had been pretty shit recently, so I was determined to enjoy my victory to the fullest.

“Probably” I teased.

B’Elanna glanced over her shoulder before she nodded her head in Kathryn’s direction. “Perhaps you and the Captain could go sailing. You know how much she enjoys it.”

I thought Kathryn had been reading her Padd, but she must have been eavesdropping as she suddenly turned around to look at me.

I half laughed and tugged my ear as B’Elanna raised an eyebrow at me suggestively.

“Actually I was more thinking of running Sandrine’s and hustling Tom out of some replicator rations.” I replied and turned to the helmsman.

Tom snorted as he spun in his chair. “I’d like to see you try, Chakotay!”

I smiled. “Harry?”

“You’re on, Commander!” He quipped as he gave me a mischievous look. “You’re terrible at playing pool. I’ll only be too happy to win back my holodeck time!”

I was just about to invite B’Elanna, who was still crouching on the floor by the console panel, but the serious and dangerous glare she gave me stopped me from doing so. I could tell she was gritting her teeth. God only knew why.

I turned to look back at Kathryn, but before I could ask her to join she licked her lips and turned away from me. Her face was as sour as B’Elanna’s.

“Kath-”

“I’m busy.” She interrupted me with a sharp tone without actually hearing what I was about to say.

B’Elanna’s face wore a look of disappointment and she shook her head at me before turning her attention back to the console. I hoped Harry would know, but when I looked at him quizzically, he only shrugged.

Whatever was going on, I was obviously missing the cue. I didn’t do anything, so why were suddenly both girls mad at me?

***

“You petaQ”, B’Elanna barked as she suddenly grabbed me by the ear and dragged me away from the pool table.

“Ouch!” I hadn’t expected her to come at me, so I dropped my cue in surprise and winced at the pain.

“It’s not my fault Tom drank this much!” I tried to defend myself while she dragged me across the bar to a table in the corner. She pushed me towards a chair and ordered me sharply to sit down.

The second my butt hit the stool and I looked up at her, I realized she was angry. No, angry was an understatement - she was absolutely fuming.

“Ayala!?” She thundered as she put both hands on her hips. “Are you fucking stupid, Chakotay!?”

I swallowed nervously. I hadn’t seen her this angry in a long time. It could’ve been the large consumption of alcohol that had slowed my thinking process, but I had no clue what the hell she was talking about. All evening I had tried to wipe his face from my memory, but here she was reminding me of that thief. My confusion must have been obvious because I didn’t get past the first two letters of “what” before she interrupted me.

“Kathryn. I’m talking about Kathryn, Chakotay.”

Unconsciously, I tugged my ear. Drunken Tom must have told her of our suspicions. Well, they weren’t suspicions really. It was fucking damn obvious, but I didn’t want to have this conversation with her, not when I had too much to drink. Alcohol made me emotional and I didn’t want this evening to end with me crying my eyes out in front of fellow crew members from a broken heart; because of my damn love for Kathryn that I couldn’t get over and done with.

“Do you need her to send you a fucking memo so you understand?” She towered over me, the fire in her eyes unmissable. For whatever reason she was enraged as hell and I frowned when her words finally came through to me. I had already discussed this with Tom. What didn’t I understand?

“Tom-”

“Don’t get me fucking started on Tom. I know he’s an idiot at times… but you… you Chakotay!?”

I blinked. I didn’t get it.

B’Elanna clenched her fists before she took a deep breath to calm herself down. She wiped her hand across her forehead, studying me. I was pretty sure she could see the gears turning in my brain, to no avail. She watched me for a minute like she was holding onto hope that I would still grasp it, but thanks to my overindulgence in whiskey I wasn’t following.

“It’s you, dimwit. It’s YOU she likes!” She finally bellowed and my mouth fell wide open. I felt suddenly frozen to my seat as I tried to let her statement sink in, shaking my head in disbelief.

No.

Surely if Kathryn would’ve liked me back I would’ve noticed. I know I would have. I wasn’t that stupid.

B’Elanna was wrong. Of course she was wrong, but my heart started racing nonetheless. I gaped like a fish a few times before I finally found my voice. To my surprise, it was shaky and raw.

“No, B’E. Kathryn, she-”

She shook her head in a way that told me arguing with her was fruitless. “No, she doesn’t. It’s you. It’s always been you. Half the ship knows it, which is why none of the other female officers ever dared to approach you.”

I could feel the blood pumping through my veins. My hands started to feel clammy and my breathing started to come out in short huffs and puffs. I wasn’t dreaming, was I? I had drunken quite a bit in order to drown my sorrows over Ayala, but I wasn’t drunk enough to make this up in my head, was I? I realized my fingers were shaking when I touched my temple.

B’Elanna watched me, as I blinked disoriented and tried to wrap my brain around it. Kathryn liked me? I was the blind fool who didn’t get her hints? The one who didn’t notice her when she was naked in front of him throwing herself at his feet? What utter nonesen- I swallowed as images of Kathryn wrapped in only a towel flooded my mind.

I pinched my eyes shut.

Fuck, I was stupid.

No, I wasn’t just stupid. I was a fucking moron.

I didn’t know how, but B’Elanna saw the moment my brain clicked. She had her arms crossed in front of her chest and she leaned forward as she spoke.

“If I have to push you in her direction one more fucking time, or watch you upset or hurt her because you’re too stupid to get her hints - I promise you I’ll break both of your legs.”

B’Elanna of course knew of my attachment to Kathryn. She was the only one who knew and she wouldn’t lie to me about something of such great importance. We both nodded as she silently made sure I understood her words.

Then euphoria started to kick in and I felt like I was about to hyperventilate.

“Do you think... “ I gestured aimlessly through the air before touching my head. “You think I should…”

“Yes.”

I jumped to my feet. Yes, she was right. I needed to speak to Kathryn. I had clearly fucked this up pretty bad already and I needed to tell her how I felt.

As I tried to dash towards the exit doors I managed a only few straight steps before my body reacted to my _slightly_ drunken state and I tumbled over a set of chairs and hit the floor hard. It must have looked pretty spectacular, as I faintly heard people laughing around me. I struggled to my feet, ignoring the sudden pounding of my head.

I almost went back onto my knees with the next step, but I somehow managed to pull myself together and head towards the doors of Sandrine’s. I needed to get to Kathryn. I needed to tell her I loved her and I needed to beg her for forgiveness.

My mind was so clouded with things I should say that I barely registered B’Elanna calling after me as I tumbled through the holodeck doors. She yelled something about me and a bleeding head and I can’t remember what else. My head hurt too much to pay attention. All I knew was that I needed to get to Kathryn, because damn, I loved her and she loved me back.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a short and funny one-shot, but after A LOT of nagging for more I've extended this story to two chapters... and now to three because pretty much every reviewer demanded another part, AGAIN. I hope everybody is happy now!? XD Beta-read by [Trekflower](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrekFlower/pseuds/Trekflower)

By the time I reached her quarters my head felt like a swarm of bees was buzzing around my brain. Every muscle in my body ached, my vision blurred and I had to aim for her doorbell four times before my index finger finally hit the chime. Maybe the drinks I’ve had had been too much.

The warm dizziness made my head spin and I had to lean against the corridor wall to keep myself steady. With the other hand I pinch the bridge of my nose while pressing my eyes shut for a second, trying to focus my brain on the words of my imminent declaration of love.

Kathryn’s door must have recently undergone an upgrade as I didn’t hear it slide open. It was her warm hand on my face that pulled me out of my dreamstate. Her face was filled with worry and her small hand cupped my cheek as she edged closer.

“God, Chakotay, what happened?”

I blinked confused as she slightly pushed my head sideways as if to look at something. What did she mean what happened? Nothing had happened, except my epiphany.

“Noth-… Kath-… I…”

I began to stutter and, as my hand let go of the cold corridor walls, I slightly tumbled towards her. Her hand on my face and the other on my chest stopped me from crashing into her. Clearly, alcohol would not be doing me any favours tonight and I swore to myself that - assuming this wouldn't end in me getting spaced again for misreading another hint - I would never drink again. With all my might I tried to focus on my words.

“Wrong… ‘m sorry… love… Ayala...”

I’m not sure which was worse: the crazy speed my heart was pumping blood through my veins or the never ending throbbing of my head. I knew my words were slurred, but I had to get them out. Kathryn was pushing closer, shushing me, but I had to tell her. I needed her to know I loved her.

It wasn’t until she pulled her hand back from my face that I noticed it was covered in blood. My eyes went wide and for a mere second I thought Kathryn had hurt herself. Somehow I hadn’t noticed the blood that was dripping from the gash on my head, making my hair and face sticky while soiling my uniform.

“We need to get to med-bay. Now”, she urged. I tried to stay firmly in place, wanting to protest, but as soon as she pushed against my chest my knees suddenly gave way. I don’t know how or why it happened, but before I managed to even form a syllable, my body hit the deck like a heavy rock and darkness washed over me.

***

The spotlights hurt my eyes and as soon as I opened them, I closed them again. I turned sideways to avoid the light, my hand automatically coming up to my head. The pain was still there and I was surprised to feel cloth beneath my fingers.

“Look who returned from the dead.”

B’Elanna’s voice was close and I carefully squinted. She was leaning against the bio bed with both hands, glaring down at me while I blinked over and over again until my eyes had adjusted to the brightness surrounding me.

“What happened?”, I croaked and B’Elanna pulled an eyebrow up.

“What’s the last thing you remember, stupid?” Her mocking tone was not lost on me and I carefully began to sit up. My head was pounding and I hissed as my hand felt the bandage again.

“I remember being on the holodeck, playing pool, win-”

“Losing.”

I looked sideways and B’Elanna shifted so she could cross her arms in front of her chest while leaning with her hip against the bed.

“-losing”, I corrected myself. “Before having a talk with you and walking off to Kathryn’s to tell her how I feel.”

“And how did that one go?”

I frowned. I couldn’t remember. I couldn’t even remember reaching her quarters. Had I made it to Deck 3? Had I told her? If so, what had she said?

Damnit!

“I don’t… remember.”

Amused she shook her head and by the way she pulled a face I could tell she obviously knew something I didn’t. B’Elanna wasn’t the best at hiding things from me. I watched her for a moment, willing the pain away before I let both of my hands rest in my lap.

“Tell me!”

My voice was not half as demanding and forceful as I wanted it to be. Torres shook her head, snickering before suddenly glaring at me all serious.

“You rambled some random stuff before you fainted in front of her. The captain instantly requested a site-to-site transport into sickbay, where the Doctor examined you while she paced up and down.”

I let the information sink in, still not sure if I told her of my feelings or not. “Where is she now?”

B’Elanna nodded her head in the direction of the Doctor’s office. I peered past her and could see that both Kathryn and the Doctor were deep in conversation. I straightened my back as I looked back at B’Elanna.

“And what are you doing here?”

“Kathryn called me all panicky. She wanted someone to watch you while she talked with the Doctor.”

Sounded about right. Kathryn always had someone keeping an eye on me in sickbay when she was unable to be by my side.

“Why do I have a bandage on my head?”

“Because you fell over a set of chairs and smashed your skull almost open.”

Silence filled the room for a few long seconds.

“Why didn’t the Doctor use a dermal regenerator to heal it?”

“Punishment.”

My forehead wrinkled as I frowned.

“Why?”

B’Elanna let out an annoyed huff before flinging her hands onto her hips to stare at me.

“What is this, Chakotay? A hundred questions?”

Just as I was about to snap back at her, Kathryn and the Doctor exited his office.

“Ah, I see you’re awake, Commander”, he greeted. He smiled broadly while Kathryn looked more worried, no - _annoyed_ , than anything. “How are you feeling?”

“Sore… and my head is killing me.”

“It won’t kill you, Commander, but I’m afraid it will be painful for a little longer.” He pushed a little medical tray, with the deliciously looking hypospray, aside.

“No hypo?”, I enquired as I watched the little piece of medical equipment travel further and further away from me. That pinch against my neck would’ve felt so damn good right now.

“I’m sorry, Commander. Captain’s orders.”

Technically the Doctor outranked Kathryn when it came to medical stuff, but his short, snotty answer made a shiver run down my back. Something was wrong. Really, really wrong. The Doctor wasn’t usually so compliant when she interfered in his field of expertise. Kathryn had probably threatened his programming somehow to make him follow her orders without objection.

My gaze wandered to Kathryn, who looked at me with a blank expression. In her cold blue eyes I could read that I didn’t even need to try to beg. She wouldn’t be giving in. I think I hadn’t told her yet that I loved her, otherwise she’d be looking a little kinder upon me.

Or worse, I had told her and she disapproved of my feelings.

Damnit. Why couldn’t I remember?  
Stupid drink. Stupid Ayala. Stupid chair.

After the EMH had finished running his tricorder along my head he gave me the all-clear. “You may leave.”

“Thanks, Doc.”

I hopped off the bed and instantly felt the strain of my muscles hurting, on top of my aching head. My apparent fall over the chairs must have bruised me badly too.

“Can I get a site-to-site to my quarters?” I questioned as Kathryn took hold of my arm and pulled me towards the exit. Every movement, no matter how small, caused pain to shoot through my entire body. Every footstep brought with it a horrible pang that thundered through my head as if someone was striking me with a fist over and over again. The journey to Deck 3 on foot was going to kill me for sure.

“Nope. We’re walking.”

Oh, man.

***

One would think a nice brisk walk would clear the head, but mine was pushing me to the brink of death. I had never suffered migraines, so a headache was one of the worst things for me to endure. A person who was used to the pain might have laughed at me for being a wussy, but for me this was unbearable. And that was just my head, I couldn’t begin to analyze all the pain I felt throughout my body.

During the entirety of the walk I hadn’t paid much attention to the path ahead, so I was a little surprised when we took a turn and entered _her_ quarters instead of mine. Not that I minded, of course. It was closer to sickbay and I was thankful for every step I didn’t need to take. The pain was unendurable.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to see Kathryn’s sofa in front of me. As if my life depended on it I inched towards it, caressing the soft, welcoming material as I lowered myself onto it. I let out a relieved breath as my back fully connected with its comfortableness. If I had to guess what heaven felt like, this would be it.

Before I could revel in the feeling of my muscles relaxing, Kathryn lifted my head to shove a pillow forcefully under my neck.

“Ouch”, I hissed, but she continued to adjust the cushion undisturbed.

She was mad. I had gotten that vibe off her in sickbay already, but it was even more palpable now. Perhaps now was a good time for us to talk. I had no idea what she was mad about, but that didn’t stop me. Just as she was about to step away, I grabbed hold of her little hand and pulled her towards me.

“Kathryn, sit.” I mumbled softly, tugging her hand again while carefully shifting to make room for her. Reluctantly she sat down, but didn’t say a word.

“I think we need to talk”, I began and she looked down at her lap, chewing the inside of her lips. “I think I owe you an apology… a big one.”

At that, she looked up and I tried to smile. She, however, wasn’t certain yet of whether she wanted to talk to me or not. I swallowed as I arranged all the words in my brain that needed to be spoken. My fingers began toying with hers, caressing them lovingly and I was glad that she did not pull away from my touch.

“Kathryn, I made presumptions. I missed all the hints you’ve given me, misread your actions and falsely believed to be emotionally involved with somebody else.” I watched her as she silently absorbed my words. “I’ve been a stupid ass who has caused you pain. I’m sorry.”

She nodded as she licked her lips, before a quiet “I know,” escaped her throat. I’m not sure if I like her _knowing_ that I was a stupid ass who was slow to catch on, but I had messed this up so bad already that I had to un-mess it with whatever means necessary.

“Can you forgive me?”

Slowly she exhaled, sinking her head to look at our intertwined fingers. Her thumb brushed over mine, her lips twitched as she was thinking everything through. I could see her debating with herself and I began to pray that I wasn’t too late. Or that I was completely mistaken in my belief of her returning my feelings.

“You know, if I were able to move without this excruciating pain, I’d kiss those thinking lines away from your forehead.” I tried to lighten the mood, tried to fight off the fear that slowly crept up on me by pretending her silence didn’t unsettle me. B’Elanna wouldn’t have lied to me, would she? As one corner of her mouth slightly curled up into a faint smile, I knew I had nothing to be afraid of.

“What makes you think I’d let you do that?”, she quietly teased, raising her eyebrow while still observing her fingers as they toyed with mine. With great effort I wiggled closer, my torso touching her hip and butt, before my hands untangled themselves from her fingers.

“Because I have another confession to make and I think… I hope… you’re going to enjoy hearing it,” I mumbled and she looked at me. I’m not sure if she knew what I was about to say or not, but her eyes began to sparkle with joy.

“Oh?”

The words, which I had held back for so many years, flew off my lips as if I had said them everyday for the last century. Never had I believed that telling her would’ve been so easy.

“I love you, Kathryn Janeway.”

Almost shyly she blushed, suppressing a happy grin. When she finally spoke the tone of her voice was teasing and I would lie if I said that it hadn’t made my heart swell. “You do?”, she asked playfully and I smiled before I nodded.

“Yes, very much so. And I think you might feel the same way.”

She tried to feign doubt, but I knew her too well to fall for it. If she was going to back away and run, she would have done so a long time ago. “What makes you think that?”

I should have considered my next words, but before I knew what was happening my mouth had said “B’Elanna”. Kathryn dropped her smile instantly, going from surprised to slightly upset within a single second. She adjusted her jaw and clicked her tongue, before she nodded and looked down.

“I see,” she hissed with a vexed undertone and I shifted nervously.

Yes, goddamnit. I hadn’t figured this out on my own, but my words weren’t less true just because B’Elanna had confronted me with my blindness and stupidity.

“Kathryn…”, I began carefully, while my fingers desperately tried to intertwine themselves with hers again. She kept staring at her lap and our fingers, doing nothing to either encourage or discourage me.

“She had no right-”

“I know”, I interrupted, stroking her soft skin with my thumb. “And I’m sorry that I needed her to make me see. Obviously I wasn’t getting all your hints by myself.”

“Obviously,” she mumbled, still slightly annoyed.

Desperate to lighten the dreary mood that had befallen us, I tried to say something mildly funny at the expense of myself. I grinned and added a jesting tone to my voice, as I said: “I think you’ve put too much confidence in my intelligence.”

Surprisingly, it worked. Kathryn giggled quietly before she looked at me.

“What am I going to do with you, Chakotay?”

It sounded more like a rhetorical question she was asking herself, but I decided to answer it anyway. I knew I was being cheeky, but it didn’t stop me.

“I don’t know. I guess you could start by kissing me, saying you love me back and then taking care of me like any good _girlfriend_ would…”

Amused, she raised an eyebrow. For a second I thought she was going to question me on my choice of wording, but then she leaned down and placed the probably softest kiss ever on my lips. It was so light and chaste that I cursed myself for not being able to leap up and pull her into something deeper, something more passionate. Thank you, alcohol. Thank you, bar chairs. I hate both of you.

“I love you too, Chakotay.”

Her voice was no more than a whisper, but I would’ve probably been able to pick it up even in the loudest crowd. Years I had dreamt of her saying those words, imagining them sounding like the most beautiful words ever to be heard in my entire life. And they were. I hummed for a second, soaking up each syllable like a sponge, before I started grinning like a fool.

Her hand, which she had moved to my chest, gave me a soft pat before she pulled her head away to look at me. The whole moment had been too brief for me and every fibre in my body screamed for more. More kissing. More declarations of love.

“How about one more kiss?”, I muttered, my eyes still half closed, but Kathryn only chuckled quietly.

“I think we’ll save that for when you’re fully recovered.”

I grumbled. Seriously? She was going to make me wait till all my pain subsided? Pain which wouldn’t be there in the first place if she had allowed the Doctor to give me the damn hypospray.

“You’re going to be the death of me, woman”, I said under my breath, barely audible. Kathryn must have heard it though because her smile widened.

“And you’re a sick patient who needs his rest.” With that she got up from the sofa and crossed the room to grab some hot drinks from the replicator. As she returned with two steaming cups, I scooted back on the sofa, making more room for her.

“You know I’ll recover faster if you’re close to me.”

After she had placed the cups onto the small table, she carefully laid down as well, snuggling up to me with her butt and back. I wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her closer to press a soft kiss onto her shoulder and neck. I don’t know what I had done right in my life to deserve this, but I thanked the Spirits, or God, or whoever listened, for their kindness. Being able, no, being allowed, to hold Kathryn like this was every dream come true.

“Computer, play the audio version of _The Soldier of Risa_ ”, she demanded as she pressed her small butt deeper into my groin.

“Really, Kathryn!?”, I gasped in shock. She knew how much I hated that space opera. Why else would I've picked being spaced over enduring that drivel?

“Relax, Chakotay, the audio version is only 5 hours long.” I couldn’t see her face, but I was pretty damn sure the vixen was grinning.

I grunted, before my head rolled into the softness of the cushion to let out an annoyed huff. I couldn’t believe she was abusing her power so abominably. I was unable to flee in my fragile and invalid state of health and she bloody well knew it. I knew I had been slow to figure everything out, but did I really need more punishment than the throbbing pain I was already suffering?

***

Five hours.

Goddamn five hours.

Five hours that felt like five veeeeery long days.

Kathryn had fallen asleep probably thirty minutes into the audio track, but my mind was too awake to find sleep. I had tried to make the computer stop, but Kathryn ‘The Evil’ had disabled my voice command. While she peacefully snoozed through the entire length of incredibly cheesy dialogs with incredibly stupid characters and incredibly stupid happenings, I had to listen to it all.

The pain in my head had subsided, but got replaced with a painfully numb arm which Kathryn had used as a pillow. As she roused and spun round to face me, I was surprised that I was still able to move my fingers. I was pretty sure my circulation to that part of my body had stopped at least three hours ago.

“Hey”, she whispered as she opened her heavy lids to look at me.

“Hey”, I replied more friendly than I should have, given the fact that I had just been enduring undeserved punishment for the last _eternity_. I was planning on making my disapproval known, but then she smiled and snuggled closer before pressing soft kisses onto my lips. By god, did those kisses feel good.

It didn’t take long for us to push past the barrier of ‘getting to know the feel of each other’ before our lips parted and tongues began to explore. Rapidly we went from exploring to demanding and from the demanding to frantic needing. My hands grabbed her ass, pushing her closer, sliding underneath her uniform to touch the skin on her back. Kathryn was tugging on my shirt collar, burying her fingers in her hair while cruising me against her lips.

“I think… we should… move...”, she panted in between heated kisses, before she pushed me backwards so she could pull away. I watched her hypnotized as she got off the sofa to move across the room. I was completely transfixed by the movement of her butt. How had I gotten so lucky that I had been allowed to touch that only a few seconds ago?

“Chakotay, when I said we should move, I meant you too.”

She pulled me out of my trance and I looked up at her.

Move.

Right.

We wanted to move.

“I know. I understood that one. I’m not _completely_ stupid, Kathryn”, I muttered as I shifted into a sitting position.

Kathryn grinned smugly before moving towards her bedroom. “Are you sure? Because given your track record of reading hints I’ve started to stop assuming things.”

I started to stand while I watched her disappear into the bedroom. Yes, I _may_ have misread a _few_ of her hints, but would she remind me of that now until my dying day? Common sense wasn’t completely lost on me. I knew she wanted to take this to the bedroom instead of staying on the small and cramped sofa. After all, we had years to catch up on and a bed was much better suited for that kind of thing.

“Chakotay!”, she yelled in a warning tone and I suddenly realized that I was still standing in her living room, pondering, instead of following her to bed.

“Coming!”, I countered and I couldn’t help the smile that found its way onto my lips. Kathryn Janeway had admitted she loved me, had kissed me and had now invited me into her bedroom. No, she was actually _waiting_ for me there. She _wanted_ me.

In. Her. Bed.

If there was any pain left in my muscles, I surely didn’t feel it as I almost ran across the room, but as soon as I passed the threshold to her bedroom I froze in my tracks. The smile on my face dropped and I let out an involuntary moan at the erotic sight that awaited me.

I was far from the sacred places of my grandfathers. I was far from the bones of my people and I was very far from anything I ever _expected_ to happen between Kathryn and myself, but I asked, on this day of happiness and joy, that my ancestors would watch over me, because… Spirits, this woman _really_ was going to be the death of me.

\- The (undebatable) END - 


End file.
